We use all the cookies — every kind — including ones whose purpose no one can explain
This Cookie Policy explains how Yesify, Inc. uses cookies. The short version: we use all of them. The long version follows, and was written by a compliance attorney who charges $1,900/hour and has never once cleared his own browser cookies.
Cookies are small text files stored on your device when you visit a website. They were invented in 1994 by a Netscape engineer who probably didn’t anticipate they’d become the basis for a $600 billion surveillance advertising industry and the subject of a European regulation that cost more to comply with than most countries’ GDP.
We use cookies to remember your preferences, track your behavior, and maintain the legal fiction that you have “consented” to all of this by clicking a button you didn’t read.
| Cookie | Purpose | Duration |
|---|---|---|
yesify_session |
Keeps you logged in. Strictly necessary. The only cookie on this list that has a defensible reason to exist. | 24 hours |
yesify_theme |
Remembers your light/dark mode preference. Also strictly necessary, because switching themes without saving is psychological warfare. | 1 year |
yesify_consent |
Records that you accepted cookies, which is a cookie that requires consent to set, which creates a philosophical paradox our legal team billed 40 hours to not resolve. | 1 year |
_ga |
Google Analytics. Tracks which pages you visit, how long you stay, and the exact moment you question your life choices. We use this data to produce a dashboard nobody looks at. | 2 years |
_ga_KMMP3854VZ |
Also Google Analytics. A second cookie for the same purpose because one tracking cookie would be insufficient for a company whose product is a three-letter word. | 2 years |
yesify_abtesting |
A/B testing. One variant says “yes.” The other variant says “yes.” We’ve been running this test for 8 months. No statistically significant difference detected. | 90 days |
yesify_nurture_score |
Tracks how likely you are to buy the Board-Ready tier based on how many times you’ve visited the pricing page. If you’re reading this cookie policy, your score just went up. | 180 days |
yesify_vibes |
Measures your “vibe alignment” with the Yesify brand. Algorithm: unknown. Creator: a contractor from 2022 who no longer works here. No one will remove it in case something breaks. | Forever |
__mystery_247 |
We genuinely don’t know what this cookie does. It appeared after a deploy in Q3 2023. Removing it causes the footer to shift 2 pixels to the left. We have decided to live with it. | Unknown |
Alternatively, you can disable cookies in your browser settings. This will break approximately everything on the internet and you will be prompted to re-enable them by every website you visit, including government websites, your bank, and the pizza place that just needed your email for the loyalty program.
We allow the following third parties to set cookies on our site:
Google Analytics: Because we want to know how many people visit our cookie policy page. (Current answer: you, and one bot from Russia.)
Stripe: For payment processing. Their cookie is the only one on this page that handles real money. Treat it with the respect our other cookies don’t deserve.
The Mystery Contractor’s Legacy: Whatever __mystery_247 is sending data to, we assume it’s fine. It’s been 3 years and nothing bad has happened that we know of.
EU (GDPR/ePrivacy): We are required to obtain your explicit, informed, freely given consent before setting non-essential cookies. We achieve this by making the “Accept All” button large and green and the “Manage Preferences” link small and gray. Our privacy attorney calls this “compliant.” The ICO might disagree. They haven’t checked yet.
California (CCPA): You have the right to opt out. The opt-out mechanism is a link at the bottom of the page that says “Do Not Sell My Personal Information.” Clicking it opens a form. The form requires cookies to function.
Everywhere else: We set the cookies and hope for the best.
We may update this Cookie Policy whenever we add a new cookie, which is every time a developer installs a package without reading the dependencies. Last count: 247 cookies. By the time you finish reading this sentence, it may be 248.